.Saturday, December 6, 2008 ' 11:16 PM Y
i really have no idea. i'm like, just lost in random thoughts.
just done reading that storybook. and everything seems to remind me of you. that's because everything i do, my mind just wants to link to you. and it sucks. i'm not sure whether i've really tried to get you out of my mind all these while. these few months. have i?
that tag from alee, it reminds me of the only movie i've ever watched with you. that was the first time i met you. i still remember the date. come to think of it, it was exactly five months after i broke up with daryl. and it was four months after i knew you.
i'm still pondering, on what i should do. these few months seem like a dream. its all so surreal, and i'm still drifting since then. i'm unsure, of what's really happening.
i remember alot. from the first month, to the promises you made, when you told me the truth, when i wanted to give up but you told me to stay, the first time we met, when we held hands, the second time we went out tgt- tiong bahru, things u dont like, the clock, the night we saw my mum at the lift, the messages u sent, to patch, to break. the night at the playground, the bus ride home. the first proper dinner we had- kind of. the first time i went to find you. everything i've been trying to sort out for months. you make me unsure. and you still do.
i really wanted to give up, i took the first step, but didn't carry on. maybe when u were a day ahead of me, the truth finally materialised, i couldn't do it. or i think. or so i want myself to think. its like i'm trying to end it all, but i want to hold on. but what is it that i want to hold on to? us? the memories that belonged to april? the feelings? just you beside me?
like what i said, we are very different in many ways, in fact, very. and that's way we have alot of conflicts. thats why we never seem to talk about anything. i know you're busy with work. i've been trying hard to ignore, ignore those feelings that makes me so.. so unhappy. i keep trying to think, what is it that's really between me and you. me. and you. us.
what is really going on through ur mind? i really cant tell. but even when u tell me, it might not really be exact, and it isn't everything. we don't have that foundation of trust, we have nothing stable as a base, like everything built on air. its stupid. everything was stupid to begin with. but i just let myself fall. and fall. just didn't bother to get out, walk off. even if i did try to get out, half-willingly, i'd look back, for sure. i have lost my sanity since forever, that i can't think. i have no idea what is it that i've done these few months, regarding you or not.
should i take this step? or i should i walk it further, myself further. these three months are going to be busy for you. should i?
because that's exactly where you reached.
